Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
