had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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