I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We have started to decorate penises.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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