the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
