Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
worst night to have a conscience
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
