i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
