I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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