Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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