I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
