I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
