the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
