She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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