i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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