Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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