You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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