My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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