I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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