i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
