did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
