if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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