I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
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