my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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