I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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