I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
