1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
