I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
They took my balls.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me