you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
