I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
