The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Your tits are I can't wait for
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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