i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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