This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
