if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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