You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
