oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
