Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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