the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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