note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
