Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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