my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
