distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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