can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
