This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
