I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
