Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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