One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
