You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
