what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
