Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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