at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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