having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
