No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
