Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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