He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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