I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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