He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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