My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
