Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
